Surprised By Grief Once Again
Life is Full of Surprises
Life is Full of Surprises
My sister and I were in Las Vegas last week to celebrate our nephew’s 21st Birthday, and we stayed in my Timeshare, located on Las Vegas Boulevard known as the Strip. My late husband and I bought our Timeshare back in 1993 and we used it a lot, often trading it to travel to different and exciting locations. But I hadn’t been back to Polo Towers for well over 10 years, and I was surprised how emotional I felt being back there. My husband passed away six and a half years ago and although I miss him every day, it hadn’t occurred to me that being there would arouse such strong emotions.
If you aren’t familiar with Timeshares when you revisit them you are expected to participate in the hour-long presentation to learn about the improvements and upgrades and of course, additional sales pitches. Back in the day we were offered a free show for attending but I had complained that “owners” had to pay for parking, and they offered to reimburse me for the $25 a day parking fees for my attendance.
So, I headed off to the presentation and as soon as I stepped into the commuter van, I felt this wave of sadness wash over me. I was tearing up and by the time I met my sales representative I could feel my lip start to quiver. I was mustering all my strength to keep from a full-on meltdown. Thankfully, my sales rep first dropped me by the snack bar where I was able to compose myself and with God’s help, I didn’t end up a puddle of tears in front of all the other attendees.
I kept thinking I don’t want to have to explain why this sales presentation was causing this sudden and overwhelming moment of grief. I was flooded with memories of the excitement of my husband and I discovering this great way to vacation all over the world (of course as our maintenance fees rose every year, we realized it was less and less great, I don’t recommend buying Timeshares). But we were happy and loved our adventures to Vegas, Tahoe, Hawaii and now I was there alone, and I felt very lonely among all the other couples.
Walking into our suite for the first time, it struck me that I had never been there without my husband and now looking out the window at the view of the Strip (Las Vegas Boulevard) I felt sad. I came to Vegas to have fun and celebrate our nephew’s 21st birthday and tears kept welling up in my eyes. I thought how much I wished my husband could have been there with us. He would have enjoyed showing our nephew how to play his firsthand of blackjack, my husband’s favorite game.
Making Big Changes Can Bring On Unexpected Emotions
I also realized that in addition to planning this trip I had also decided to sell my house. I’ve lived there for eight years. I’ve been alone six and a half of those years and decided it was time go. I no longer want the responsibility of home ownership and want a more carefree lifestyle. Although during our marriage we bought many houses together this was the last one and even though I was confident in my decision it was also heartbreaking knowing it was going to be another goodbye.
Thankfully, my sister was with me the night that it all came to a head, and I could no longer hold back my tears. Of course, she had no idea I was experiencing these emotions about being back on the Strip and how I felt that selling my house was a necessary yet heartbreaking decision, so my tears were a surprise at first. But like always she listened to me process my grief, holding my hand as I struggled with the words.
Both my sisters have always kindly and gently listened as I shared my sadness over the years. I always say that God gave me the best two sisters on the planet. We are very close, and I’m blessed to have them. We have always been there for each other and when my husband passed away, my sisters and my oldest brother-in-law were all by his side when the good Lord called him home.
Grieving Lasts a Lifetime
I’m sharing my experience of grieving with you in the hopes that if you too find yourself caught off guard by an experience, you’ll realize that it’s normal and you’ll be ok. Grieving lasts a lifetime; we never get over our feelings of loss but thankfully, but grieving subsides. The best book I read after losing my husband to a long battle with cancer was, Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright. As a therapist I recommended this book to clients as well as to my friends and family members who’ve also experienced the loss of their loved one.
He wrote in his Chapter, What Do I Do with My Feelings? …
Some have said grief is like the blackest night of confusion because of all the emotion. Your range of feelings is like a smorgasbord. Each day you have a wide variety to choose from. There will also be daily variations. The come and they go. You may think they are gone for good, but not so-they come and go and overlap one another. Over time they’re less frequent and less intense.
Over the past six and a half years I’ve found this to be true. Even though I can be caught off guard and feel strong emotions these times are “less frequent and less intense” than just a few short years ago.
The author goes on to say…
Perhaps the best way to deal with emotions that invade your life is to the follow the example of a hiker who had just read the Forest Service instructions of what to do when encountering wild animals, especially mountain lions. This man was jogging with his dog and came upon a mountain lion. The lion began stalking the man and then ran after him. Fortunately, the man remembered what he had read. He stopped, turned around, and faced the mountain lion. The lion wasn’t expecting this, so it stopped and walked away. Your emotions are like the that mountain lion. Face them head-on, listen to their message, and eventually you’ll rise above them.
I think it’s important to understand that we’re not going to stop experiencing grief and the “smorgasbord” of feelings that come with it, but that we must face our feelings, learn from them and forge forward in life. My sister reminded me that my husband wouldn’t want me to remain living in my house if I’m no longer happy here. So, it’s time I face my feelings of guilt and sorrow and recognize it’s ok to want something different for my life now.
I’m back home now, back to the chaos that is downsizing from a house to an apartment, knee deep in boxes, packing tape and stuff everywhere. A gentle wave of grief washes over me from time to time when I come across a memory, but I remind myself of the happiness attached to that memory and let go of the sadness of loss as quickly as I can. I call my sisters or friends to distract myself in the moment and I remember how excited I am to be starting a new chapter in a new place, not far from here but far enough to begin anew.
Loss, sorrow and grieving will always be a part of life but so is joy, happiness and celebration. Hiding from or avoiding our feelings won’t work. Allow yourself to experience it all from the deepest sadness to the greatest joy. Turn to family and friends for support, don’t be afraid to seek help if you need it and always know God is with you. He is my greatest source of strength, and He has filled my life with people who love and support me in all my moments, sad or joyful!
More to come on achieving MonuMENTAL Health.
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Tonight when your family gathers for dinner, remember no phones at the table, ask everyone to share a time they felt sad and what helped them through that emotion. Everyone eats, participates, and listens to each other’s stories.
Beautifully written. You certainly do have many friends that care for you deeply. Excited for you and this new adventure.